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June 06, 2006
Where Have All the Husbands Gone Long Time Passing?
I was laying in bed last night thinking about the disproportionate number of single men there are to single women at my church. I counted about six single men (I go to S. City so I'm probably leaving some guys out) and over 25 single women. I have a few comments related to these statistics.
My first comments (really questions) are for the girls: Where the heck are we gonna find good, quality, Christian husbands (or people to date for that matter?). Obviously there are more Christians in St. Louis then the ones at New City Fellowship and there are ways to meet people of the opposite sex at church- mixing-gatherings I suppose. Still, if there are a shortage of men at my church which is large, I'm thinking there probably is a shortage at other churches in the area.
What to do? What to do? I guess there is the Internet dating idea. There are dating web-sights like E-harmony etc...and I know a few people who've met their match at such sights. Hmmm.call me a romantic if you want but there is something in me that resists partaking in a cyber-space romance. I think it would be so much more pleasant to fall in love with a live person in contrast to words on a dull, grey screen.
Ideas? Ideas? Before suggesting "to a nunnery go" or advising a one-way ticket to some tropical island where men grow like fruit trees, I want to remind us that God works and moves in mysterious ways and finding a husband is no exception to this rule. While it seems as though St. Louis is undergoing a severe drought in regards to the population of quality men, God knows what he's doing and He does have a plan. If he wants us to marry he's gonna work it out. He's good at making parched lands bloom.
We also need to remember that we can try and hinder the Holy Spirit's movement. One of the things that sometimes blocks me from relating to guys is a list of expectations and wants that I have in regards to men. For example, I met a guy at a party last year who I talked to for a while about my relationship with God etc... I ended up giving him my number after our talk ( I truly thought he was interested in tutoring Liberian refugees) and he called a couple days later to ask me out. To be honest, I freaked out told him no because he didn't seem like my type: He didn't have a passion for literature, art, or helping countries outside the boundaries of the USA.
Looking back on the scenario, I think I should have at least given him a chance. If anything, maybe we could have become friends and learned a thing or two from each other. Maybe he really would have signed up to be a refugee tutor?!
My point is that you may desire to marry a guy whose super stable, holding down a steady, good-money producing job, perfect teeth, a lover of literature art and foreign films. God may instead hand you a guy who still doesn't know what he wants to do, who struggles with bouts of anxiety and depression(like you), has questionable teeth, and knows nothing at all about literature or art. If this guy happens to have a heart for the the Lord that connects beautifully with the heart that has been given to you despite the fact that he doesn't fit into your criteria, then by all means at least give it a shot. Reach out. Put your hair down. Hand your desires over to the Lord and let him work his magic. After all, he is the author and perfecter.
NOTE: I want to point out that I think there are some guys (even if they are Christians) that we absolutely should not go out on dates with because they will get the wrong idea from the start. Yes we are to be innocent as dove but we're also to be wise as serpents. Some friends and I were talking about this the other day and we decided that a it's okay to experiment around in dating a bit but a guys gotta be a safe person. Please don't go out with anyone who is dangerous because of this entry--I don't have liability insurance for this blog
To close, I wanted to offer up a short comment for all the guys in the house: I think ya'll are SUPER LUCKY. All the girls I counted, while conducting my (complicated) research, are amazing, talented, beautiful, Lord-loving ladies (ah, alliteration!)
| By larawalk | 12:14 AM
Comments
Wow, pretty intense for a second blog post :)
But if this topic doesn't get you some comments nothing will.
Posted by: Neil at June 6, 2006 01:15 AM
Welcome to stlouisblogs,
My wife and I often express our disapointement that some many wonderful women are left with such a limited selection of wonderful men. I must say that as a man who was single not too long ago, there are a lot of fears and insecurities about being a single man that have to be delt with in the context of the gospel before seriously pursuing a woman. I recomend the book "Wild At Heart" to getting guys thinking in this direction (even though I never did finish it!)
However, the real question as you stated in your post title is, where are the wonderful single men? We had the same problem in Tennessee before we moved here; I think it's fairly universal.
Posted by: kirk at June 6, 2006 10:48 AM
Good morning Moon! Thanks for being so transparent about relational longings...when I unwedded to Jake, I found it was always best pour into relationships with really nourishing Christian woman...Rach, Kris, Man. I'm not sure about dad's theory of waiting for the man to step up and pursue you...Man, if I had done that with Jacob, we wouldn't have gotten married! Here nor there, I say, Holy Spirit please lead my sister to a wonderful lover of you (uh preferably one that the rest of us can jive with...just kidding...kinda)! Note...Men with sisters are usually better at relating to woman!
Posted by: Heidi at June 6, 2006 11:20 AM
Go SIS! your blog reminded me of many new American men who go back to their land just to get married the people whom they do not know or met. I have always been opposed to that approach because it makes women as commodites that can be picked up from the shelf of a super market. Yes we need to have more honest, realistic and what I would like to call agape approach to this.
I have been many, ethnic and American churches around the US. It always, worries me to see many, many, more single women than sigle men. Do you think we live in an age where men, because they are so cool, put God aside and running after achivment? We need to pray while I halelujah the lot of single women's hearts coming to God I cry the lack of godly, mature, not so perfect men in our churches
In New City I think I want to see some progress towards this from the side of the men.
1. Men if you are scared of the good women who are mature, know what they think and say, stop. and take it from God as a gift and ask her out. Remeber though she is smarte she still loves the Lord and wants to see the headship of Christ in her house. A smart woman I think is a gift. Remember Proverbs 31.
2. Men if you are concerned not to date because you are not in that perfect position; I again appeal to you to stop to look towards the ideal in a sinful world which has imperfection as realty. A woman who wants a perfect husband need to go to the space. Not here specially new city.
I am sure most women are looking for an honest, and vulnerable, and transparent man than the one who wants to be perfect. So stop looking at yourself as the not yet ready guy. Come to her and the Lord with all who you are. With your high points and low points. Let Jesus be your pride!
Amen!
I recommend men please read the book "the Silence of Adam" by Larry Crab. I do not recommend it just reading it. Discuss it chapter by chapter with each other. if any one wants to do it I am around just give me a buzz!
Pardon the english :) as you know it is my second language.
Thanks SIS for allowing me to speak my heart!
Posted by: Workisha at June 6, 2006 07:10 PM
Thank you for graciously responding!
It just struck me while I was praying that America is undoubtedly the land of the plenty so it is ironic that there is a shortage of anything here.
I was also reminded me of the feeding of the 5000 where there is a lack of food (to put it mildly) and Jesus' disciples freak out with worry. He tells them to have faith and before they can blink the Lord breaks enough bread to feed the multitude.
Ladies, yes their are a small number of Christian men, but there is no reason to worry. Perhaps Jesus is providing this opportunity for us in order to teach us more about depending on him and less about depending on others-- an important lesson to bring into a relationship.
I'm the opposite of an expert on this subject but it is one that interests me : )
Posted by: laura at June 9, 2006 07:30 PM